From digital dramas to endless to do lists and societal pressures, if you鈥檙e struggling with parental duties you鈥檙e not alone.

Our recent survey revealed that almost three in five (59%) therapists who work with parents reported a rise in them seeking support because they were struggling to cope. And over half (58%) saw an increase in mothers putting themselves under too much pressure to succeed in all areas of life.

The survey also revealed that almost three in five (59%) therapists working with parents also saw a rise in parents struggling to implement boundaries for their children's online and social media use. So ahead of Parent Mental Health Day on 30 January, our therapists share why so many of many of us are finding parenting hard and what you can do to make it easier and more enjoyable.

The pressures of modern parenting

鈥淢odern parenting is a juggling act that leaves us feeling like we are running on empty,鈥� says Nicola Saunders, registered therapist and author of . 鈥淏etween managing work, relationships and family life, parents are burning out faster than ever. There鈥檚 the constant pressure to be perfect, to have a tidy home, a thriving career, and happy, well-rounded kids. Add in the never-ending task of screen time boundaries and online use and dealing with the latest meltdown; it鈥檚 no wonder why so many parents are exhausted.鈥�

Registered therapist Kate Bufton says overwhelm is a common theme amongst parents: 鈥淪o many parents feel like they鈥檙e never on top of things or that they鈥檙e failing to measure up. This leaves them unable to cope and impacts on all of their relationships.鈥�

, a registered therapist who specialises in working with parents of teens and adolescents, also says that: 鈥淧ower struggles, communication breakdowns and an overall sense of disconnection are common concerns for parents.鈥� Jenny says the pressures of school and worry about how their child is coping academically, socially and emotionally are concerns too.

Is parenting harder now than for previous generations?

Registered child and adolescent therapist believes it is and says that the arrival听of smart phones has made it harder than ever to protect our children from external听threats. 鈥淔or parents, not being able to monitor their child鈥檚 technology can feel like leaving all the doors and windows of their home unlocked!鈥� shares Alison.

鈥淭he digital age has undoubtedly brought new challenges,鈥� adds Jenny. 鈥淧arents not only have to contend with social media but also online gaming, cyber-bullying, the pressure to be online 24/7, and the impact constant comparison has on children's (and their parent's) self-esteem and confidence.鈥�

鈥淧arenting today is a whole different ballgame compared to previous generations,鈥� says Nicola. 鈥淏ack then, families had a network of relatives that supported each other. Previous generations also focused on meeting a child鈥檚 physical needs rather than their emotional needs too.鈥�

As parenting is undoubtedly one of the most rewarding yet challenging roles we鈥檒l ever take on, here are our members top tips if you鈥檙e struggling to cope:

1.Manage your emotional energy

It鈥檚 tricky to find the balance between looking after your child and looking after yourself. But Jenny warns that neglecting your own needs can lead to burnout. 鈥淢ake time for things that help you recharge - whether that鈥檚 getting outside for a walk, reading, yoga or line dancing,鈥� shares Jenny. 鈥淵ou can't be there for anyone if you're wrung out and exhausted.鈥� Nicola agrees and says 鈥淧ay attention to what drains you (from the people in your life to over-scheduling and doomscrolling) and what fuels you (exercise, hobbies, or even a laugh-out-loud comedy). Prioritise those refueling moments.鈥�

2.Keep expectations realistic

The idea of the perfect parent is a myth. 鈥淚t鈥檚 time to stop trying to stop striving for perfection and constantly beating yourself up,鈥� says Jenny. Instead, she recommends focusing on being 'good enough' by meeting your child's needs while showing yourself compassion and patience. 鈥淭he best gift you can give your kids is showing them it鈥檚 okay to make mistakes,鈥� adds Nicola. 鈥淟et go of those unspoken rules about what makes a 鈥済ood鈥� parent; you鈥檙e already doing enough.鈥�

3.Comparison is the thief of joy

鈥淐omparison helps no-one,鈥� asserts Jenny. 鈥淭he truth is that someone is always doing better than you and is always doing worse. What's important is how you are. How can you be present for the people around you if you鈥檙e always comparing yourself to others? Try to role model less screen time, be truly present and generally be kinder to yourself so your kids see this in action.鈥�

4.鈥淵ou鈥檙e not a house-elf鈥�

鈥淚n Harry Potter, you see house-elves who are magical beings who aim to serve their masters. But remember: you鈥檙e not a house-elf,鈥� Jenny adds. 鈥淵ou don't need to take on all the household tasks. Share them with your co-parent, and get your children involved in age-appropriate tasks. Work as a team even if it's just you and your child at home. Build a support network by reaching out to friends, family or parenting groups for emotional and practical support.鈥�

5.Look within

Kate encourages parents to be curious about the pressure they feel and where it鈥檚 coming from. If excessive screen time is an issue, Kate suggests asking yourself: What comes up emotionally for you when you hold screentime boundaries? Is it possible to identify times when it鈥檚 difficult to hold boundaries? 鈥淚f a parent is already stressed or exhausted, they may not have the emotional resources to implement the boundary - which helps fuel a cycle of guilt and shame,鈥� says Kate.

6.Reflect on how you were parented

Nicola Saunders says that one of the key elements of parenting that we rarely consider is where we learnt how to parent. 鈥淲e scour the internet looking for answers, but our main teachers are often our own parents. I would encourage every parent to understand how they were raised and how this influences their parenting style,鈥� shares Nicola. She also says that this exploration can shine a light on what patterns we鈥檙e repeating and what鈥檚 shaping how we think, feel and behave.

7.Reframe your language

鈥淲ords matter,鈥� adds Nicola who suggests that reframing our language can also calm our brain and body. Nicola suggests that instead of saying 鈥淚鈥檓 stressed鈥� try 鈥淚鈥檓 busy鈥�. 鈥淢indset is fundamental in all areas of life, including parenting. So, pay attention to how you speak to yourself - is it largely positive or negative?鈥� she says. 听

8. Breathe

When everything feels like it鈥檚 piling up, Nicola also says to stop and take a breath. 鈥淒eep breathing calms your nervous system, grounds you, and gives you a moment to reset,鈥� shares Nicola. 鈥淏reath in for the count of four through your nose and out through your mouth for the count of eight to settle your central nervous system.鈥�

9.Build your bond

Parenting is hard! But if you feel like your joy (and patience) is dwindling as your child moves into adolescence and beyond, it may be worth exploring your connection with them. 鈥淔ind things that build on your relationship with your child,鈥� suggests Alison. 鈥淏uilding a secure attachment has the biggest evidence base for success for their future and for your relationship with them. Remember that you are still the adult/parent and you are very much needed by your children.鈥�

10.Consider professional support

If you're struggling with the pitfalls of parenting, and feeling exhausted and overwhelmed, counselling can help. To find an experienced and trained counsellor or therapist who specialises in supporting with parenting pressures, visit the Therapist Directory.

鈥淢y experience is that clients often know how they wish to parent, but due to the overwhelm of everyday life they often don鈥檛 have the energy, patience or an internal space to cultivate the empathy and clarity that they need,鈥� adds Kate.

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References

All figures are from our annual Mindometer survey of BACP members. Total sample size was 2,658 therapists. Fieldwork was undertaken between 3 鈥� 17 September 2024.听 The survey was carried out online.

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